Wednesday, April 19, 2017

My mind, My mind, why have you forsaken me???

Well now its been 2 weeks and days since my last "confession".  Unbelievable.....I can't even keep up with weekly confessionals!?!  😖 Good thing I am not a practicing Catholic any more.  Yes, I grew up Catholic and remember vividly the Wednesday nights that we KNEW it would be "confession" Wednesday.  In fact, I think my mind focused on it and only it the entire day; with the usual thoughts of:

What should I say this time?   What did I say last time....will the priest remember me and ask me about it?  Do you think HE knows I talked back to my parents?  Does he know how many times I fought with my sisters over clothes, the curling iron, or the fact that I stepped my toes across the door threshold EVEN when she SPECIFICALLY told me NOT TO STEP A FOOT IN HER ROOM?  Hmmmm......I could be in there a while .........but, then I am told to keep it short and that we don't HAVE TO confess EVERYTHING.

WTF?

Isn't it called "Confessional"?  Not .....Choose your sin?  or .......Pick the sin that bothers you most?  or.......What ever you need to say just say but remember the time limit?  HUH???  

I am pretty sure our teachers looked at our group and thought we do NOT have ALL NIGHT for their sins....so yes, they told us just that.  And I pretty much ALWAYS said the SAME EXACT thing.....

Please forgive me for I have sinned.  I talked back to my parents, I fought with my sisters and I probably cheated on a test once or twice.

To which he (the priest) probably always responded to every one the same way:  Say 5 "Our Father's" and 2 "Hail Mary's" and you are forgiven.  😛😀 Cool.....

OH how I wish life were that simple now.  I have tried....at least saying the "Our Fathers" and I am not feeling any relief from any "sin" I may have been a part of.  

Since my last trip home I have wide open eyes.  Not that they were ever closed.  Believe me they weren't.  I just am looking at my life a little and I am ME.  I seriously have always been ME.

That one that acted out when mom wanted everyone sitting nicely for a picture.

That one that asked the wrong questions when relatives were over ~ embarrassing a few I am sure.

That one that stayed out too late drinking in high school and came home to parents who were pissed off....but I didn't really care.

That one that always wondered what else is out there?

That one that ponders, Why did God put me on this EARTH?  What is MY purpose?

That one that has tried every diet ~ lost weight ~ gained ALL pounds ever lost back and STILL thinks she is not good enough....time for diet #452?  who knows......

That one that others say can be  ~  a Debbie Downer.....the LIFE of the PARTY......Brutally Honest.....Crazy......Best MOM ever.....Most Frustrating MOM ever......the BLACK sheep of the family........Outspoken......Introvert........Extrovert..........

The list could go on and on but I don't have enough time or energy for it.....

I guess its time to accept that I am all of these personality types and others may or may not like to be around me because of it.  And that's ok.  I think the saying goes something like....You can pick your friends but not your Family.  ha!

or.....Surround yourself with those that ~ when they leave you, YOU feel a little bit happier because of the time you shared.

Not.......Surround yourself with those that bring tears, questions, and wonderment every time you drive home.


I have been thinking I just need to get ALL THESE thoughts out of my head!!!  Maybe I will go see a therapist.  Maybe I REALLY will start worrying about making me ~ the best me I can be!!! UGH....that means eating better and less beer which both beer and bad food choices have been my friendly "go to" lately.

I quit my "Y" part time job about a month ago.  I am SO thrilled I finally did after 11 years of being there.  The job wasn't fun any more and I wasn't using the membership so I knew it was time.  Hard to swallow but lately I have been thinking I need a part time job!!! I know!!! I know!!!

Something more fulfilling and in a serving sort of way....I don't know....I have been thinking about places and I haven't come up with any thing yet....so more thinking I guess......ha!

It tends to be what I do best.............................







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