Wednesday, December 14, 2016

When losing your identity you may actually find yourself...

Some of you just know what your want in life.

Some of you may have been planning your future wedding, job, house colors, and how many children you will have since you were a teen.

Some of you knew exactly what kind of car you would buy when that time finally came.

And some of you may have thought that being a stay at home mom would be the greatest accomplishment of your life!

You may be a little surprised to read this.....but, I was not one of those persons.  Shocked? (probably not)

I never thought about a wedding dress although I occasionally thought about eloping on a warm island in a sundress.

Car? whatever.

Colors? who cares really.

Being a mom? well, it kind of scared me to be honest.

I guess I never really IDENTIFIED with anything.......

Looking back I have always been kind of a mess.  But, I knew if I wanted to do or have anything I better go to college so off to college I went and I graduated with a BS in Elementary Education.

***I thought I may teach in Texas......................I heard its warm there year round.  :-0 ***

Fast forward to meeting a Minneapolis guy, moving only 3.5 hours south, getting married and having children.......yikes!  My life seemed to be changing so fast.   I loved it and everything about being a mom.  Sure we had our stressors now and then but we moved on.

Really fast forward to months ago.

I am hormonal.

I am having so many aches and pains.  I notice things differently. 

I think....... I think........I think..........I think waaaay too much.

Then I start to share my a way that I think I am sharing to reflect, to get others point of view, to confirm that I am not losing it. However, others say I am over reacting.  That I think too much (duh!!)  That I am simply being bossy. That I am and have always been ~ a bit hmmm?  I think a word that would fit nicely is REACTIVE?

I react or I don't because I have been told by EVERYONE that I have NO EMPATHY.

One states she wants to move out every time I mention she should clean her room or God forbid the bathroom.  Another yells if he has too turn off his phone or iPad (You tube) for a moment to do anything I may ask.  The last?  Well, she can get pretty upset when I turn off her latest recording of Teen Wolf.   Life is snapchat, Facebook, Instagram and so much more.


Well, quite honestly, I don't feel I am overreacting!! I actually feel that I have some empathy.  I think I have been too good.  There I said it.  I also think kids get everything done for them in todays world and its time they do some stuff on their we did or our parents did when growing up.

Oh and EMPATHY?  Putting myself in another's self to feel their emotions.  Yea, I get it.  That's why I clean dishes for you.  No body wants dirty dishes right?  That's why I bring home groceries for you.  No body wants to go to a cupboard that is bare.  That's why I do the laundry for you.  You want clean underwear and socks right? That's why I vacuum the house for you.  Although, maybe you don't even notice the animal hair on the floor or the bread crumbs in the kitchen?

All that everyday stuff goes overlooked these days.  How do I know this????


I come home from work and dirty dishes are piled in the sink while dishwasher sits there empty.

I come home from work with the laundry over flowing while kids are nosed to their electronics.

I come home from work and dirty clothes from a certain girl still lie on the bathroom floor behind the door from where she took them off that morning.

Water dishes for the animals are empty.

I carry in bags of groceries however, no one offers to help.

And when I ask for help and I am given eye rolls or grunts of a bear that has been disturbed.

Garbages over flow......who changes garbages in your house??

Not that I am complaining...I am just noticing.

I think I may have failed this thing they call being a MOM.

I have not taught them to "see" the duties in every day life.

I have not taught them that the little things in life are and some day may be the BIG things that break a person.

I am losing because my body aches. I am losing because I cannot get a full nights sleep anymore. I am losing because my mind is racing with random thoughts all the time.  I am losing because I am withdrawing from many activities if I feel they will take too much energy to "appear normal".  I am losing because I feel I am losing.

I had a doctor's check up and most blood tests have come back normal.  I am still waiting on two tests but I have a feeling they will come back normal too.  I have been reading lots of articles about anxiety and depression.  Even one called "concealed anxiety".

You can find the link here::

or another one here:

Interesting stuff......but, even more I am learning more about myself.  Why I am the way I am.  Maybe by losing I am actually finding myself a little bit more.  Heck, it took me this long to figure this much shouldn't take me too much longer to become the person I am suppose to be right?


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