Monday, July 4, 2016

It's Independence Day!! longish post thoughts from my morning walk...

After over indulging last night on ice cream while watching 100,000 Pyramid and Match Game...btw, Match Game is hosted by Alec Baldwin and he and the celebrity panel were hilarious.  I rather enjoyed the "old game show" and stayed up way past my normal bedtime.  (I think lights were turned out about 10:30 last night which is an hour later than usual)  I decided that I would get up this ~ July 4th morning and walk early because it is predicted to get hot later in the day.....

First goal accomplished!  I actually walked/ran 5.6 miles! Boom! (that's as close to a firework as I will be getting tonight..ha!) As I was taking in the quiet morning, I specifically left my music at home, I thought a lot about my ups and downs, my anxiety, and my independence hence Independence are some Ah~ Ha ~ Moments in no specific order:

1.  I like to have a little control over my family, house, and life in general....but that is not always the case.  As the kids get older we are ALL changing in our dependence and thus independence.  I feel while I try to let some things go  other things tend to bug me a lot more.  I am trying to step back from adding my "two cents".

Just because I have been there, I am older,  I maybe wiser, or because I don't want to see what I perceive may be a negative outcome to a decision ~ I am letting family members make those decisions and deal with the results.  I am not responsible.

I need to take control of my decisions: whether its the food I eat, exercise or not,  what am I passionate about, what do I want most out of life right now at 47?

2.  I have anxiety over a lot of the issues in #1 so lets deal with that head on!! I cannot keep all my anxiety locked up in my head any more.  It's definitely a domino effect.  Things happen, my mind goes wonky, I stuff it inside, I eat, I have no energy, I am feeling so much pain through out my body thus, I am seeing how it has been affecting my health and well being.

3.  These past two months have pulled the rug out from under me.  Last year when Nicole was "diagnosed" with ITP it didn't seem like a big deal.  I didn't read much about it and we weren't told much about it in all honesty.  Life went on and over the winter I kind of forgot about it.

Sometime in March? she started getting bloody noses again.  Again I didn't really think about her blood disorder and after all it is drier indoors during MN winters.  Then May came~ she was SO pale, she fainted in front of me TWICE, we went to the ER immediately.  Wake up calls can be brutal.

I have read a lot about ITP but I forget a lot too.  This is all so new and mind-blowing.  

Why can't blood cells, platelets, and immune systems just be called that? Simple ~ easy to pronounce and understand?  Well, every blood cell tends to be a new word about 15 letters long....every definition leads to another definition and possibility.  The platelets ~ WHOA! Who knew their importance and the fact that their job leads to another page of information which leads to more pages of "What ifs".  What if the cell counts come back high? low? or her IRON?  Do we continue with steroids?  Spleen surgery?  Rituxin? More blood draws...and now fasting because B12 looks low along with folic acid?  Why?

My head is exploding with all this information.  Why doesn't  everyone around me read up on it too?  We all need to be educated more.  We all need to share this stress that I am feeling.  Or is it just my anxiety ridden point of view?  She is 19.  Does a 19 year old get how scary this can and could be?  Maybe she does and yet she doesn't want to really believe it is happening.

I don't want to believe this is happening...but it is. 

4 weeks later and her platelet count took a nose dive again.  She is bruising more and developed "the RASH".  More steroids.  What can we try to do on our own to change this even just a little?  My suggestions don't seem to mean any thing so I have to let go and just wait.

Then, we went to church and they played that damn funeral song "How Great thou Art"....seriously, EVERY.TIME. I cry when I hear it....sitting next to her in church the tears started again...I can't do anything besides let go and let God.

She is becoming more independent.

4.  I don't have control over much.  This anxiety is getting the best of me.  I need to find a better balance between independence, dependence, and well being to be a better version of ME as they need ME.

If feels good to cry and it feels good to write out these thoughts here.  It's kind of like my therapy without having to pay for it.

On this independence day, as I say good bye to my daughter who is on her way to work and text my family whom are up north, I will take a moment to reflect on all the July 4th's celebrated before me.

So many have fought harder battles to get where we are today. 

We are lucky.       We have an amazing life.    
We are blessed and we have independence within our country with out being controlled by a dictator type of government .  No one likes to be controlled thus, I am seeing things a little different right now.

Enjoy your day.  Take time to reflect in your own way..... to feel and release a little DEpendence to embrace this Independence.

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