Monday, January 23, 2017

Holy Crap ~ time to get my breath back!!

Hard to believe and even harder to see but I have gotten out of control.....in so many ways.

I know exactly when it started.  It was Thanksgiving and being surrounded with yummy foods, family and drinks.  I enjoyed all.  We were eating, drinking, chatting and playing with the young nieces....the nephews are teens now and really want nothing to do with the aunties.  ;-)

And then, and I am being totally honest here people, I noticed hubby stayed on the porch with only a brother in law watching football most of the day.  Not much interaction.  Not much small talk.

I guess I thought he should be chatting with "the other family members" too.  I thought, "Its Thanksgiving and we don't see everyone over the winter after this so mingle with all more".

Weird feelings started to fester in my gut.  The next day we went shopping downtown and hubby choose to stay home on the couch...yikes those same gut wrenching twinges are filling my gut.....why wouldn't he want to be with us shopping rather than on the couch?

I kind of stopped breathing over the next few days....figuratively not literally.

I kind of processed his withdrawal as a withdrawal from me, us, my DL family.

I kind of went into my holiday/winter/ cold weather depression a little early and then I stayed there long and hard until the first week of January.

The mind works in weird ways people!

MY MIND works in weird ways people!

So how did I cope from Thanksgiving until January 4th or there about?????? By eating and laying around on every chair/couch in my house. No exercise. No veggies. Lots of ice cream. Lots of beer.

And where did that get me???? 

Well......

I was happy while eating the ice cream but now my pants are tight again.

I was enjoying my "down time" but now my thighs are more giggly.

I was able to bike for almost an hour with out feeling tired out but now after minutes I am breathing heavy.

I was loving vegetables and now I feel like I have to learn to love them again.

I was sleeping well and never felt that afternoon drag but now I reach for a "pick me up" at 3pm because I am tanking by 2.

I was very nervous about Nicole moving out and now she says she will be staying another year at least.

 WHAT A DIFFERENCE lifestyle and lifestyle choices can make!!

BUT, It's never too late!!!

Just like a switch turned on my unhealthy emotions a switch can turn them off too.  YEA!

I got through the holidays!

I got through the cold spell! (and yes, I know we are not done with winter but this mild week has been wonderful!!!) 

We are busy with Owen's swimming....meets, practices, carb dinners etc...it makes the winter fly so much faster.  Thumbs up for that!!!!

Hubby started talk of his Planning Conference in NY and he convinced me to go too!! (Always exciting planning a trip even if its not until MAY!!) 

We are connected!!

Others think I am not empathetic when in reality my mind feels very much for others however, my body language and words don't show it.

My weight gain doesn't mean life is over.....It's just time to start again!!

Dare I say, I feel happy!

My kids think I am crazy sometimes but I don't care.....I need to give them something to remember me with.  ;-)

I need to stop, look, think, slow down, relax, enjoy, do, and go.

Every little decision we make ~ makes a difference!!! 

I cannot wait for SPRING!!!

Choose wisely.

A little is better than nothing.

A little is better than the entire half gallon....(some will get that others .....think...ice cream)

Why today?

Why finally now is it clicking again?

Who knows....the mind is funny for sure.....

But..

HOLY CRAP 

Time to get my breath back!!

life is good...now lets live it!








Sunday, January 15, 2017

What I posted on my Facebook today.......

WHY? In light of so many people questioning so many "things" these days I thought I would include I few things I still question myself....

1. Why can't I feel safe letting my child walk home from school when its within 2 miles and I may not want to pay money for busing?

2. Why do I hesitate when my kiddo wants to ride his bike to the gas station for a "treat" alone?

3. Why don't we show respect to people? Period.

4. Why do people abduct others?

5. Why do we support athletes making millions upon millions when others can barely make a mortgage payment?

6. Why do we "turn the other cheek" so to speak when SOME of those same athletes hit, get in fights, set a bad example to young kids with their words and general disrespect so often?

7. Why has college become so expensive that the average student often drops out or graduates so in debt its scary.....and yet, we support million dollar sports facilities to be built there and coaches to be paid millions to coach there?

8. Why do we give so much attention to actors/actresses who are being paid millions and TALK a good talk? 

9. Why don't we give more attention to the POOR and low income to help them out of poverty so they can walk a good walk?

10. Why do we have rallies upon rallies, marches, walks, etc.....when nothing seems to change and some times the simple act of bringing others together for a cause heightens energy on both sides, where words are exchanged, spit may be thrown, and before one knows it garbage cans are set on fire, cars are overturned, looting and rioting takes place?

11. Why can't we come together to truly make a change!?

Monday, January 9, 2017

Tuesday Tangents Eve....(You know kind of like Christmas Eve just "Tangent Style"....

Oh MY Goodness!!
I have become a winter driving ANXIETY ridden FREAK!!
 This is Kenzie....but I feel like I just want to lie on the floor and bawl.  UGH.  I won't do that but I will have a beer to "let go of" some of my panic attack, heart beating, head ache feeling, stomach churning, kind of anxiety.

I literally work less than 2 miles from my house and today we received about 1.5 inches of fresh snow.  Most would think NO BIG DEAL right?? No, not me!!! I heard from many parents while they were picking up their children from preschool to DRIVE SLOW!

It's slippery out there.

35 W is closed due to a major accident....(another few miles from my work)

My daughter still isn't home and last Monday we got an ice storm....she hit a stop sign while out driving.

Yea, to say I am kind of a freak when it comes to MN winter driving is an understatement.

I was suppose to work at the Y tonight but, I knew I just couldn't go back on the roads .....

I have never had a heart attack but at that moment my heart was pounding so hard that I am sure that is what it kind of feels like.

I called in to work.  I TRUTHFULLY told them I think I am having a slight panic/anxiety attack and can't come in.

WHEW !

Speaking of heart issues.......
this is the one picture my sister sent me of my dad a few days after Christmas ..... his blood pressure skyrocketed and he earned himself a night in the ICU.

He is doing much better now and is home....ugh...this heart stuff is scary business.




NO  BULL!!
I recently wanted to add more color to my living room.

I love my new bull picture.....

It's bright,
It's big,
and 
It's one heck of a conversation piece!


(I guess now I should invite someone over to start a conversation with..ha!)


I hope the weather is nice in your area. 
 I can't wait for April 1st!!




Friday, January 6, 2017

On the Twelve days After Christmas.....a new twist on an old song....my family gave to me....

(Did you know that today is REALLY the 12th day after Christmas....January 6th...who knew??  Of course, when I realized THAT fun fact I thought it would be cute to put together my list of "gifts" that my family ~ aka...anyone in the world who is around me including but not limited to Mariah Carey....ha!

However,  instead of going through the entire song I will be giving you a shortened and "quick to the next day" version.  I think you will get the idea......)



On the 12th Day after Christmas my family gave to me:  

12 LOADS of LAUNDRY......(Jan. 6th)

11 candies eaten, I mean I just didn't want my kiddos to be tempted.....(Jan. 5th)

10 Anniversary wishes to my parents~on their 53rd Anniversary...(Jan. 4th)

9 degrees below zero~It's actually worse but whatever.....(Jan. 3rd)

8 tears I am crying ~ It's my last day of vacation...(Jan. 2nd)

7 HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!! ....(Jan. 1st!)

6 Deadly singing moments for Mariah ~ spare us please!...(Dec. 31st)

5 TRIPS 
TO THE LIQUOR STORE!!!! .....(Dec. 30th)

4 Pounds gained ~ yes, I drank and ate too much..(Dec. 29th)

3 High blood pressure readings for my dad, which got him a trip to the ER and an overnight stay at the hospital.....ugh! (Dec. 28th)

2 extra days off for hubby ~ lots more eating and drinking.... (Dec. 27th)

AND 

1 ticket to drink BEER ~ OUTSIDE!!
seriously....
brrr....
in MN......
(It's called the "Beer Dabbler"...local craft tap rooms and brew pubs will be OUTSIDE serving up beer to those who are crazy enough to buy a ticket and freeze their butt, fingers, and toes off while drinking COLD Beer....)









Monday, January 2, 2017

2016 is history! (I am ok with that!)


(If you may have read this yesterday I had some cool quotes on top that I found and liked...today they are gone??? Weird!!) 



I don't know about you but I am ok with 2016 being over.  Yes, over all it was a good year.  No big obstacles or set backs along the way but it was a year of surprises and challenges no matter how one may feel.  

Lord knows I will not be able to remember most things from the past year.  Most days I can hardly remember the previous day or hourly activities.  However, I will try to highlight the memories that stood out most to me.

FUN February: Owen swam for the high school swim team and lettered during the Junior Varsity Sections in the 500 freestyle.

March to AZ:  Yes, hubby had a National Planning Conference in Arizona and I decided to join him on the long weekend away.  It was our first time to take a "real" vacation since our honeymoon and the sun was a wonderful getaway.

APRIL: Spring is here and I can't remember anything specific but I am pretty sure we celebrated Easter with an egg hunt, going to church and eating a few jelly beans along the way.

MAY:  OH, MAY (go away!) The very first week in May Nicole was sick and actually passed out twice in front of me.  We had a trip to the emergency room and soon discovered she has a blood disorder.  The specific name is ITP.  You can read more about it here.  It was a long and scary May only to become a longer and somewhat scary summer.

JUNE ~ JULY: I kind of feel these months went by in a blur.  Nicole was in and out of the hospital.  Another ER visit and over night.  Plasma transfusions and lots of steroids made up these two months.  Hubby and I hit up a lot of happy hours and trips to Detroit Lakes were mixed in here and there.

AUGUST:  Finally, we would take our first family trip to Wisconsin Dells Waterpark.  The weather cooperated and our family and friends joined us.  Turns out the trip included my cousins and aunt from Indiana and some friends/family from DL.  A total of 23 (if I remember correctly) hung out together for 4 days of water fun.  Hubby went back early with Nicole to head north for a golf tournament with his brother and nephew and the rest of us headed home.

The rest of the year was back to school, fall sports, a couple of trips north and a lot of mental anguish.  

My mind kind of spiraled downward after Thanksgiving and I couldn't get out of the slump I was in.  I don't have a great track record during the holidays so that and the onset of very cold weather didn't help much.  But, hey we got thru it!!! Whew!  

I did make a doctor's appointment and had every blood test I (and the doctor) could think of that may possibly be contributing to my ~ dare I say ~ depression.  AND wouldn't you know it every.single.test. came back negative.  AKA....there was nothing in my body attributing to my mind set.....guess it was all in my head.  No pun intended.  ;-)

I now know I am fine.  (Reasonably speaking hahaha!) I need to take control and make my attitude change IF I don't want to have it change with the use of medicine that is.


So its a NEW YEAR PEOPLE......It's time to live each day with an attitude of gratitude.  I am going to try to be happier for the little things.  

Sometimes the little things bug the hell out of me but hey, its easier to tackle the little things then the bigger things like sickness and death.  (Especially with all the celebrity deaths that happened at the end of 2016) Yikes! Scary....

  




Sunday, December 25, 2016

It's Christmas Day!

 Some cookies we made recently and are now gone.  On my star below I started to frost it and the frosting kind of fell accordingly leaving what appears to be a "face" on my cookie.  Maybe I have a "star" friend just wanting to say Merry Christmas!

And another quite pretty cookie that I received from one of my preschoolers....how nice to get a cookie specifically for me!

Finally, today really is the day! Happy Birthday to Our Savior and Lord.  




I have always been a morning person.  But lately I have been waking up way too early ...like 4 AM something or other.  Which kind of makes me upset because then I really am exhausted by 9PM.  Last night was no exception....as much as I wanted to stay up and finish watching a Christmas movie with the family I couldn't make it.

Off to bed I went.

And now I have been up for a couple of hours by myself.

It's hard being quiet on Christmas morning while the rest sleep.....ha!



Thursday, December 15, 2016

Today's the day!!! The envelope with ALL the tests results was in the mailbox............


Lets just start by saying when I saw that envelope I was very a little  nervous.

 All my questions would be answered in moments.........

Am I menopausing for REAL? 

Am I Vitamin D deficient?
(
Do I have a thyroid problem?

On and On and On.......

And guess what the results showed???

I am perfectly normal!! All my tests came back in the normal range and it even stated.........
You are not in menopause yet.  

What the?? Damn I really am NUTS.
In a good way I guess.

I mean yes, its nice knowing I don't have anything wrong with my counts but, come on people!! Can't something be a little hight or low??  Why does it always have to come back to ME.  

Simply ME.
My head.
My thoughts.
My Anxiety?
My Depression?

I hope you know as I do too that anxiety and depression is VERY COMMON!

I am going to begin tackling this "mind thing" by calling a family meeting and talking about it ~ openly and honestly.  I think the next time we may all be together is Sunday morning (while frosting Christmas cookies) I can't think of a better conversation starter than Anxiety and Depression.

;-)

Nothing says Merry Christmas like that!