Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Diary post.....

I am posting today because "MY DIARY" should NOT go over a week without an entry.  ;-)

Yes, I feel busy....

Yes, I feel less "stressed" about some things....(the weather over the weekend COULD NOT have been MORE PERFECT to be out and enjoying SUN time!).....the SUN always makes me feel better and being able to pull the dead flowers from last fall, clean up some leaves, and spray paint a garden fixture kind of brightened my day.  ;-)

These next few weeks are going to be SO FULL of ups and downs, hills and valleys, highs and lows....I mean however you want to say it ~ it works.

Just to name a few ~

1.  Owen turns 14 tomorrow.  The boy is getting older and I cannot stop it.  He is taller than me, his feet are bigger than mine and I actually think he prefers video time over mom time....something is NOT right here.

2.  Our van is having issues.  Ever since Kenzie hit the stop sign in January the front bumper/tire area hasn't been the same and now its going back into the shop on Friday.  We totally need a vehicle for her but the thought of putting more money into this 200,000 mile Odyssey is daunting.....and the thought of shopping for another used car to replace it is scary.

3.  We are heading north this weekend for my cousins wedding and then to surprise my dad with a 75th birthday party.  Fun-yes, but the thought of being around my family for the weekend is a making me a little apprehensive too.

4.  Then its MAY!!! The month of MAY seemed so far off when we talked about going to New York in February...now its around the corner and our trip is a little over a week away....YIKES!! Very excited and nervous about this one for sure!!!

5.  When we get back we have 3 nights -in a row-full of school activities ......Hmmm, can we say we may be a bit tired by mid-May??? Sure....would I want it any other way??? No.  It's all good!



There you have it diary.....a little catch up and now I better be off to work......

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

My mind, My mind, why have you forsaken me???

Well now its been 2 weeks and days since my last "confession".  Unbelievable.....I can't even keep up with weekly confessionals!?!  😖 Good thing I am not a practicing Catholic any more.  Yes, I grew up Catholic and remember vividly the Wednesday nights that we KNEW it would be "confession" Wednesday.  In fact, I think my mind focused on it and only it the entire day; with the usual thoughts of:

What should I say this time?   What did I say last time....will the priest remember me and ask me about it?  Do you think HE knows I talked back to my parents?  Does he know how many times I fought with my sisters over clothes, the curling iron, or the fact that I stepped my toes across the door threshold EVEN when she SPECIFICALLY told me NOT TO STEP A FOOT IN HER ROOM?  Hmmmm......I could be in there a while .........but, then I am told to keep it short and that we don't HAVE TO confess EVERYTHING.

WTF?

Isn't it called "Confessional"?  Not .....Choose your sin?  or .......Pick the sin that bothers you most?  or.......What ever you need to say just say but remember the time limit?  HUH???  

I am pretty sure our teachers looked at our group and thought we do NOT have ALL NIGHT for their sins....so yes, they told us just that.  And I pretty much ALWAYS said the SAME EXACT thing.....

Please forgive me for I have sinned.  I talked back to my parents, I fought with my sisters and I probably cheated on a test once or twice.

To which he (the priest) probably always responded to every one the same way:  Say 5 "Our Father's" and 2 "Hail Mary's" and you are forgiven.  😛😀 Cool.....

OH how I wish life were that simple now.  I have tried....at least saying the "Our Fathers" and I am not feeling any relief from any "sin" I may have been a part of.  

Since my last trip home I have wide open eyes.  Not that they were ever closed.  Believe me they weren't.  I just am looking at my life a little and I am ME.  I seriously have always been ME.

That one that acted out when mom wanted everyone sitting nicely for a picture.

That one that asked the wrong questions when relatives were over ~ embarrassing a few I am sure.

That one that stayed out too late drinking in high school and came home to parents who were pissed off....but I didn't really care.

That one that always wondered what else is out there?

That one that ponders, Why did God put me on this EARTH?  What is MY purpose?

That one that has tried every diet ~ lost weight ~ gained ALL pounds ever lost back and STILL thinks she is not good enough....time for diet #452?  who knows......

That one that others say can be  ~  a Debbie Downer.....the LIFE of the PARTY......Brutally Honest.....Crazy......Best MOM ever.....Most Frustrating MOM ever......the BLACK sheep of the family........Outspoken......Introvert........Extrovert..........

The list could go on and on but I don't have enough time or energy for it.....

I guess its time to accept that I am all of these personality types and others may or may not like to be around me because of it.  And that's ok.  I think the saying goes something like....You can pick your friends but not your Family.  ha!

or.....Surround yourself with those that ~ when they leave you, YOU feel a little bit happier because of the time you shared.

Not.......Surround yourself with those that bring tears, questions, and wonderment every time you drive home.


I have been thinking I just need to get ALL THESE thoughts out of my head!!!  Maybe I will go see a therapist.  Maybe I REALLY will start worrying about making me ~ the best me I can be!!! UGH....that means eating better and less beer which both beer and bad food choices have been my friendly "go to" lately.

I quit my "Y" part time job about a month ago.  I am SO thrilled I finally did after 11 years of being there.  The job wasn't fun any more and I wasn't using the membership so I knew it was time.  Hard to swallow but lately I have been thinking I need a part time job!!! I know!!! I know!!!

Something more fulfilling and in a serving sort of way....I don't know....I have been thinking about places and I haven't come up with any thing yet....so more thinking I guess......ha!

It tends to be what I do best.............................







Monday, April 3, 2017

SHOOT .....missed "Confession Sunday", I have been Moody since being at home, and when will these gray skies disappear???



AKA...Life is better with BEER!

Rewind.....last week was Spring Break for most schools around the area and ours included.  Since I work for the district that means I had the week off too!  WooHoo...that is the good.  

However, that also means 2 of the 3 kids are off and home with me.  Oh, how I love our together time.  Really I do...when we are DOING something constructive, active, or physical......but when we are all together in the same house and I am washing clothes, vacuuming the house, keeping dishes and kitchen clean (get the picture) and OTHERS UNDER THE AGE 20 (you could probably guess) are watching tv, making dishes, making more dirty clothes, watching their phones, and lying around.....it makes one (ME) a little stir crazy.  

***Seriously, I have spent half of my life while raising these kids teaching them to wipe up crumbs, put dishes in the dishwasher, pick up the bathroom after a shower i.e.:towels, dirty underwear, hair in shower, mirror full of spit spots, etc....SO WHEN DO THEY LEARN????***

So what does one do??? Well, I plan a trip north for half of the break with the 2 young ones to lessen my cray cray time.  ;-))  SMART NO?! AS IN YES!  ............  WELL, NO! AS IN NO!!  

I forgot one simple truth....that is the bad.

My family up north sometimes causes me to go stir crazy too??.......

And wouldn't you know....we arrived at my parents place around 7PM....my mom got home by 8:15 from cleaning and by 9PM....I am pretty sure I wanted to get back in my car and head home.....that is the UGLY!  

What also made this ugly was that I cannot just let things go.  Sorry Elsa and Anna but I can not "Let it GO!" Feelings fester.  In fact, the last time I really got upset inside it took about 6 weeks to "let it go".  Granted ~ part of that time was coupled with Christmas and holidays are notoriously hard on me too so it wasn't until January that I began to feel better.  

I can already tell this won't be THAT bad or long but it is stirring up feelings of long ago when I use to be 5 miles out of town and I would cry because of how awful the trip made me feel.  Seriously....just cry.  And replay conversation after conversation in my mind or with hubby as to why he said this or she said that and is it REALLY ME or could it be KIND OF THEM? UGH!!

I thought I was long OVER those feelings, finally.  I thought I had "grown up".  I thought the small town perspective didn't bother me any more.....and boy, was I wrong.

I didn't drive home that night.  The next few days were tense, or so I felt the tension in the air.  By the time Tuesday morning came I think we were all ready for me to go home.  

I had a few more days left of "spring break" and they were kind of full of appointments, painting one daughters bedroom and a mother of a head ache that I couldn't shake.  Hmmm?  Wonder why?? ;-)

Today I went back to work.

Today has been gray, rainy, overcast etc.....I am once again questioning this thing called life and WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE????

Does anyone else do that???

You get upset, things fester, you remember conversations of 15 years past and all of a sudden you wonder WHAT IS MY PURPOSE??!! 

Seriously!

What makes you / me happy?

Why do I always feel like I need change?

Am I misunderstood or do I not understand?

What makes you tick?

Why do I get so ticked?

And kids????  The BEST thing of life and yet one of the SADDEST things of life....If you are like me then YOU just want YOUR kids to BE HAPPY.  I see sadness, tears, questioning, fear, judgement, wonder, measuring, and trouble.......when they are like this it tears me apart.  

I cannot "let it go" as Elsa would like me too and it hurts even more than my own hurt.



So there was no "Confession Sunday" this week.  I have been moody and I want these gray skies to disappear.  

SHOOT!




Sunday, March 19, 2017

It's been a week so I guess that means another Confession Sunday.

First things first...this Confession Sunday is full of emotions.
Emotions not Emoji's
🙍 🙏😭


1.  I recently remembered that our local library rents movies for $1 a day (or 24 hours) when I went there with Kenzie days ago I checked out Collateral Beauty w/ Will Smith and Moana w/ animation.  ;-) Both were good however the first one was GREEAAAAAT! I was totally caught off guard with something close to the end of the movie (which I won't say in case you haven't seen it and still want to) but it had my crying huge tears.  And I can cry at the drop of a hat these days.  I am VERY emotional and any thing parental related makes me cry instantly.

2.  We dog sat over the weekend for a 6 month old retriever.  She was very excited at first arrival...eeeekkk (not sure what I was getting into) but by the time it was over we were both calm and ready to have our house back to normal.
Rudy, our mini dachshund, proving once again that size doesn't matter when it comes to dominance.  Here he successfully got BOTH toys from the retriever! 

3.  Upon returning the above movies to the library I checked out two more.  This time I watched JACKIE w/ Natalie Portman and Manchester by the SEA w/ Casey Affleck.  Hmmm, different movies for sure.  I love any movie based on a true story or somehow shares with us views of someone's life whether completely true or not one can relate.  JACKIE did this.  I didn't know what to expect with the Affleck flick ~ it was different but again...so many scenes were relatable from a parental perspective that I was crying.  

4.  Kids!

5.  Random thoughts about #4 ........ Parenting should come with a book.  I don't like how society views the parental role these days.  Either we hover too much or we are too lazy and let the kids live on their electronics/phones.  Every time I even start to raise my voice on a matter that REALLY MATTERS I have visions of "Mommy Dearest" running through my head...."No more plastic hangers!"  I don't want that so I feel I pull back....and then I don't see them because they are living in their "fake" world of social media!!!!!
      I mean no one wants to be controlling,  we want our kids to be independent.  But what happens when there "independent" choices involve their bedroom and their phone?  
     How do you teach confidence?
     How do you teach control?
     How do you teach each to stand up for their view and what they think is right? But then they are too afraid of making everyone happy and more afraid of hurting others feelings than how they feel themselves?  
     
6.  It's sooo hard when you (I) have one type of personality and your kids (mine) have a different one.  Don't get me wrong....if everyone in this house had the same personality THAT would be SCARY too but sometimes I don't understand how one of my children can be so passive when I am not really.  

7.  So the discussions start. We have shared many stressors today and yesterday. We cried.  A lot. 

8.  It's hard seeing and now knowing how REALLY stressed your kids are and feel.

9.  Decisions.  Future.  Colleges.  Ideas.  Some just get it and some struggle.

10.  And yet after crying over some of these movies this weekend I am once again reminded that life is but a breath.  We are here for what???? What is our purpose?? 

11.   Why do we freak out over failing?  Looking stupid in front of others?  Will they remember once we're dead?

12.  Why do we want so much for our kids IF THEY DON'T want it???


I have been doing a lot of reflecting in between my tears.  

I am beginning to feel more about what matters and what doesn't.  

When I should insert my Mommy Dearest voice and when I will Let it Go.

What if today was my last day???

What will they remember about me?

Why did GOD put me here?

Why did GOD put you here?




Sunday, March 12, 2017

Confession Sunday

Don't we all need a little confession session now and then?  Well, today is the day to dump .........

Confession Sunday:

1.  I have been and continue to be an emotional eater...I can't stop this cycle...

2.  Lately my go to has been bags of chocolate chips.  (and butterscotch chips ;-(

3.  I am cheap

4.  Because I am cheap I have huge issues with throwing foods away.
(it would be wasting money or so my brain thinks....but it would also be saving me calories/fat....although in the moment I think wasting money is worse...so I eat it)

5.  I have huge issues with 
and lately it feels like its getting worse!
Every time I go outside and its the least bit cold, or I carry a gallon of milk, or hold a cold bottle of water my fingers turn white.  They stay this way for 15-20 minutes...they feel like they are being stabbed with tiny needles for about 8 of those minutes while they transition back to normal...I have wanted to cry because of it lately too.  I get REALLY depressed in the cold and THIS makes it worse.
(So #1 and #2 have been horrible lately...as in most clothes are tight!!!)

6.  I am going to quit my Y job this Friday when I go in.  That way my 2-week notice of resignation will end exactly at the end of the month. ;-)

7.  I haven't worked out since Thanksgiving....I have no gumption to do so and I don't even care.

8.  I am pretty bitchy today.

9.  Owen had another mole removed this past Friday and now I have made an appointment to have one removed thats on my shoulder....talk about fun times around here.

10.  UGH!!!




Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Letting go is hard..........

Sometimes things people do bug me.  

When this happens my mind starts running out of control.  I  play back the words said or the actions done over and over in my head.  

I try to say each word differently each time ~  this allows more emphasis on each word so it gives me a different way to react (possibly) to it. Some times this works. I hear the words differently and think...."Oh, they must have meant to say it that way" and then it doesn't bug me as much.

Some times it doesn't work.

The words linger in my mind.

The words don't hurt as I am sure some words hurt others, they just repeat like an old record that skips and repeats the same words over and over again.

Is that weird?  Why can't I just let them go?  They aren't hurting me.  They just bug me.

BECAUSE THEY were NOT THE WORDS I would have said????  

THUS, THEY ARE OUT OF MY CONTROL.

~~~~~ Same with actions~~~~

Some one may DO something and it bugs me.

Not bugging me that it hurts my heart, but it bugs me inside where I want to shout my true, deep, down inner thoughts to them (but I don't) because I know it will hurt them.  **yeah, for me but not for my head***

Its such a weird feeling to describe!!!!

I honestly don't feel sad, but it bugs me and its so hard keeping my mouth shut that I feel like I am being suffocated.

Then I feel like I am the ONLY person that ever feels this way.  

Is that weird?

It happens again....the actions replay over and over in my mind.  I think why did she do that? Why does he/she act that way?  I don't think I care...it just bugs me.

I WOULD NOT HAVE ACTED THAT WAY.

I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEIR ACTIONS.

~~~~~So then I want to eat ~~~~~

~~~~I want to voice my opinions but not be judged or given another opinion thus, I know that is not possible so I keep quiet.  Except for this blog.  ha!~~~~~


And then life goes on.........


Its not exactly the life I would have planned out for him/her...but its their life and we each have to make our own path in life.  Our choices will determine our path.  Our path will determine the outcome of our life.  Our life is ours to live so I hope we are all living and not just suffocating.





To enjoy my life I must let go....of this thing that bugs me..... and this thing that wants to have this control ......when actually its not mine to control.  






Wednesday, March 1, 2017

You know you're old when......

I listen to talk radio now and the title of the last airing I heard was just that ~ 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD WHEN.....

before I enlighten you with my new knowledge of old age I will let you enjoy a couple of pictures from "the day before my" birthday breakfast.


 We visited a place called "Black coffee and waffle bar".  They have a location in St. Paul and Minneapolis and we found the St. Paul one was a bit closer so we were off.  I think the only word I have to say is YUM!



OK ~ oh how I digress when it comes to food...


How do you know when you can
 officially say you are "old" or entered the "older aged group"?

1.  You get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
2.  You wake up in the middle of the night, go into the bathroom and forget why you are there.
3.  When you have to scroll waaaay down the list when filling out your age on the computer in order to find the YEAR you were born!
4.  When "Going out to eat" means "I will meet you at 3 for happy hour, so that I can be home by 7....before it gets late"
5.  When you go out after 9PM and realize you are the oldest one still out.
6.  When you gain weight and don't care
7.  When you would rather meet for brunch than dinner.
8.  When 80's music is consider an oldie but a goodie.
9.  When you hear a song from the 90's and others call it a "Classic"
and the #10 reason?????
10.  When you listen to talk radio!


And these were just the top 10 I could remember....the "radio personalities" had listeners phoning in to give more examples but I was too busy shaking my head in agreement and laughing to remember any more.  

Yes, people I am officially old!!

And I have 3 animals staring at me in agreement!


Can you relate???

It's ok if you don't ~ I am old ~ I won't remember!
ha!